This month, the Heritage folks asked me to talk to you about discipline. So the safety word for today is pineapple.

Let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment. Our kids are wonderfully polite, amazingly attentive and incredibly behaved….for other people. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids as much as you do yours, but they act totally differently at home than they do at other people’s houses.

I wonder if there is a hidden switch that triggers the moment someone who is not their immediate family comes within a certain distance? It really would explain sooooo much.

There are a host of methods and ideas about how to discipline children. Just and FYI, apparently we (as parents) are not allowed to waterboard our kids either. In my house we’ve tried the time-out thing with limited success. It seemed to work with my daughter when she was younger, probably because she hated not being in the center of things. For my son, however, it was a miserable failure. We’d put him in time-out (a corner, or in a playpen or whatever) and he’d happily amuse himself dissolving into giggles and songs within seconds. That reaction does not really give you the feeling that the lesson is sinking into his little head, does it?

The Montessori folks say that discipline comes from within and that it is a result of steadily developing inner growth. Apparently Montessori herself found that liberty increased self-discipline and giving kids more freedom actually got them to behave better and more naturally. That probably worked because those were not her kids.

I know that I’m supposed to offer you some ways to use the Montessori method at home. It works at school so it should work at home too, right? Well, I got nothing. Just like my daughter’s teacher can get her to focus on her spelling with a look, but for us it is a knock-down-drag-out fight, some things are only going to work at school.

But don’t despair. We are all in the same boat, no matter what you are telling that woman at work who goes on and on about how amazing her kids are. She is either lying to you, or she is delusional.

Look, our kids will make us crazy, that’s part of their job. The best we can do is to give them as much love as possible and try to stop them from setting themselves on fire. Read more below from the HMS Staff.

Now, excuse me, I have to go stop my kids from painting the dog.

Until next time!

-Brian Suskind

What is the best way to parent your child? Should you be firm and unyielding, or sympathetic and laid-back? The answer is it all depends on your child’s personality, and that a one-size-fits-all approach may not be the best way. Flexible parents who tailor their parenting style to fit their child’s character are much more likely to have happy and well-adjusted children.

Researchers from the University of Washington spent three years studying primary school children, noting which of their parents used a style suited to their child’s disposition. They found that children who are organized and focused are happiest with a gentle, hands-off approach, while fearful children need a balance of understanding, tough love and clear boundaries. Children who tend to be fractious and over-sensitive fare badly with angry, critical parents. “If you have a child who tends to be irritable and frustrated, being able to manage your own negative emotions can reduce the likelihood of anxiety,” says study co-author Professor Liliana Lengua. “Good parenting is a balance between stepping in and stepping back. You need to take your cues from your child.”

Indulgent Parenting Style:
This style is warm but permissive, avoids confrontation, and allows for considerable self-regulation (self-direction) by the child. At best, indulgent parents are democratic and remain engaged with their kids. At worst, these parents are totally non-directive and allow the child to decide on their own activities, within their own time. An example of an indulgent/permissive parent may be a mother who gives her son 18-year old son $50 a week, knowing that he uses the money to buy rum, which he drinks at home in his bedroom or at the kitchen table every night. Consequences for Children:

Children and adolescents from indulgent homes (high in responsiveness, low in demandingness) are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform less well in school, but they have higher self-esteem, better social skills, and lower levels of depression.
Authoritarian Parenting Style: These parents tend to very strict and commanding, but quite unresponsive to their children’s special needs. An example of an authoritarian parent may be a father who spends little time conversing with or spending quality time with his daughter, but demands unquestioning respect and obedience from her, and beats her harshly at any sign of ‘backchat’ or rudeness. At best, authoritarian parents may be directive but not overly interfering or overbearing in their exercise of power. The ‘worst’ of these is totally intrusive and oppressive, stifling the individuality of the child. Consequences for Children:

Children and adolescents from authoritarian families (high in demandingness, but low in responsiveness) tend to perform moderately well in school and be uninvolved in problem behavior, but they have poorer social skills, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of depression.
Uninvolved Parenting Style: These parents are low in both responsiveness and demandingness. They are not attuned to their children’s needs, nor do they set standards for them to follow. An example of an involved or neglectful parent may be the mother who does not care whether her 10-year old son has supper at evenings, does his homework, or even goes to school the next day. Much parenting of this type can fall into the normal range, but it is easy for these parents to become neglectful. Children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains.
“Helicopter Parents.” This phrase invented by authors Neil Howe and William Strauss refers to parents who constantly hover over their child in search of dangers. If anything, no matter how trivial, upsets their world, they swoop down to fix it. This means they meet with teachers over a failing test grade, they negotiate raises with their teen’s employer, they “fix” messy break-ups with their teen’s lover, they write term papers and college applications – and on and on.
Consequences for Children:
These children exhibit a lower sense of self-esteem and often have fears. They are less self reliant and in some cases do not perform age appropriate skills. Children with “helicopter parents” tend to fabricate or embellish events to upset their parents and cause triangulation among adults in their world. These manipulative behaviors are encouraged by the parents, unbeknownst to them, because they often quiz their child to gain information.

While few parents fit into any one patter all the time, and probably exhibit some aspects of all types at different times, we want to parent our kids in ways which lead them to their optimal development. Take this quiz to learn your style: Parenting style quiz

Natalie Crate loves her family’s home in a serene community on Massachusetts’ North Shore, but come spring, it might be for sale. Crate and her husband aren’t happy with the local public schools and would rather have a great education for their daughter than a nice house.
Meanwhile, in North Carolina, Marcy Gang is growing tired of clipping coupons and skipping vacations. If the lottery to get into a nearby charter school goes her way, the family will be able to save $1,300 a month that currently goes toward private school tuition. Her two kids are thriving, but she believes they can do just as well at the right public school.
And down in Florida, Cynthia Falardeau is feeling great about her son’s public school, now that he has gotten into gate.

Back-to-school time seems like a lifetime away for kids, but for the next month, parents will be flooded with information about school fairs, open enrollment, charter school lotteries and private school applications. Still, the search for the right school is rarely easy.

Natalie Crate’s daughter will probably attend private school until her family moves to a better school district.
“Everybody I talk to is freaking out about it,” said Crate, whose daughter will enter kindergarten in the fall. “It isn’t university, it isn’t rocket science, but if you don’t start with a solid foundation, you can’t do much.”
These mothers and other parents shared their frustrations and ideas about choosing a school on CNN iReport. Some said they aren’t sure what their options are or what criteria will help them find the best school for their child. Some reported that they felt like they were too late — unable to sell houses in areas with failing schools, struggling to pay private school tuition or making up for slow progress at a school that didn’t meet their child’s needs.

So what should a parent do as school enrollment season begins?
First, parents should assess their child’s needs, said Bill Jackson, the founder, president and chief executive of GreatSchools, a nonprofit that helps parents find, compare and get involved in local schools.
Parents might already know if their children have special needs, if they respond best to rigid schedules and strict discipline, or if they blossom with hands-on projects and move at their own pace. Older students might need extra instruction in certain areas or show a talent in math, science, music or art that needs to be nurtured. Not every school can provide those services equally.
“You should think about your own child’s strengths and challenges and look for a school that fits, that will make them college-ready at high school graduation,” Jackson said. “Are all kids going to go to college, or a four-year college? No. Do you want to raise an 18-year-old that has the option? Yes.”

As school enrollment decisions loom, here are more tips for making the decision:

Define your ideal school
Refine your search by considering what’s important to you, whether it’s math, foreign languages, art, religion, after-school care or special education resources, GreatSchool’s Jackson said. Educate yourself on different teaching methods and consider how your child learns best. Remember, too, that friends and siblings might fit best at different schools.

Consider all the possibilities
Establish what options are available nearby, including public, private, magnet and charter schools, homeschooling organizations, online education or partnerships with local colleges, suggests School Choice Week’s Olson. Find out what local laws exist about where you’re allowed to enroll. Ask about cost, financial aid and how your school district is able — or required — to help. School fairs, your school district’s main office and GreatSchools.org are good places to start research.

Check the numbers, but don’t let them dictate your decision
GreatSchools points out that numbers can give you a sense of a school, but they might not always be accurate or reflect major changes currently under way. Still, it’s worth asking about the number of students, what grades study there, the student-teacher ratio and test scores. Use tools such as GreatSchools.org, the National Center for Education Statistics or state departments of education to find them. Check out how students do as a whole and compared with others at their grade level. Check whether the scores are improving and how they’ve changed over time.

Visit before you decide
If a school isn’t friendly about a pre-enrollment visit, that might be a sign of how they’ll respond when you’re a parent, said Jodi Goldberg, GreatSchools director of local programming in Milwaukee. While you’re at a school, meet the teacher. Check out the work on the walls, how adults and children interact and what type of involvement the school wants from parents.

Goldberg suggests parents visit at least two schools, even if you think you’ve made the choice already.
“When you’ve seen a school, you don’t think about what differences might exist,” Goldberg said. “But the comparison allows you to see it.”

Ask the right questions
Always ask what the school’s expectations are for students, and consider whether they match your expectations for your child. Go back to what you decided your ideal school would be and ask questions that will tell you if this is the one, whether it’s a matter of the school’s hours, cafeteria, foreign language education or sports teams.
A few other questions GreatSchools suggests:
– How are teachers supported, trained and tracked?
– How much homework is there?
– How does the school handle behavior problems?

Don’t make assumptions
Goldberg said parents often make school decisions based on limited information, convenience or their own experience at a school years earlier. Word of mouth is helpful, but is often biased. Having a school nearby might seem like a deal breaker, but there might be transportation or child-care help for a different school that’s a better fit.
It’s important to remember, too, that schools have changed dramatically in 10, 20 or 30 years, Crate said, and the reputation from the past may no longer be accurate.

Know how to apply, and when
Find out deadlines for applications, enrollment, lottery sign-ups and financial aid as soon as possible, and don’t miss them. Specialty schools, especially for older students, might require an audition, portfolio of work or letters of recommendation. Kids might need to be signed up early for activities, transportation or after-school care, too.

Know how to enroll
Check with your school to make sure you’ve got all the necessary documentation when the time comes to enroll. For instance, you might need proof of your child’s identity and age, your residence, vaccinations and records of vision and dental check-ups.

Have a backup plan
Your application might not be accepted or your dream school might be full. Get on the wait list, if you can, and be ready to sign up at your second or third-choice schools, at least until next year.

Like me, I’m sure all of you parents are completely stress free in this month of frantic buying, crazed shoppers, endless office parties, and trying to remember the correct date for the school’s holiday pageant.

Now, I know that you know what holiday celebrations add to our lives….No, not presents. They help us mark the seasons and create a sense of community. They allow us to spend quality time with the members of the family you do your best to avoid most of the year. They goad us to compete with our neighbors for the most garish lighting displays. Still, I think that sometimes we get so focused in on Christmas, Hanukah, and Kwanza that we forget that December is also the month to celebrate other important holidays.

So I am here to remind us all about those celebrations that end up forgotten in this month of trees, dreidels, and kinaras. Here are the other festival days in December (and these are real, I kid you not) as well as a quick note about how you can celebrate them.

December 1st is…Pie Day (Stuff pie in mouth, celebrate)
December 2nd is…Fritter Day (Stuff fritter in mouth, celebrate)
December 3rd is…Roof-Over-Your-Head Day (Look at roof, celebrate)
December 4th is…Wear Brown Shoes Day (Put tan loafers on, celebrate)
December 5th is…Sacher Torte Day (Stuff torte in mouth, celebrate)
December 6th is…Mitten Tree Day Hang cat in tree, celebrate)
December 7th is…Cotton Candy Day (Stuff candy in mouth, celebrate)
December 9th is…Pastry Day (Stuff pastry in mouth, celebrate)
December 10th is…Festival for Souls of Dead Whales (Listen to whale song CD and cry)
December 11th is…Noodle Ring Day (Wear noodles on fingers, celebrate)
December 12th is…Ding-A-Ling Day (Ring every bell you can find, run)
December 13th is…Ice Cream and Violins Day (Challenge: Do both at the same time)
December 14th is…Bouillabaisse Day (Eat bouillon cubes)
December 15th is…Lemon Cupcake Day (Stuff cupcake in mouth, celebrate)
December 16th is…Chocolate Covered Anything Day (Challenge: chocolate covered car)
December 17th is…Underdog Day (Watch classic cartoon, celebrate)
December 18th is…Roast Suckling Pig Day (Stuff pig in mouth, celebrate)
December 19th is…Oatmeal Muffin Day (Stuff muffin in mouth, celebrate)
December 20th is…Games Day (Challenge kid(s) to bug eating and win)
December 21st is…Flashlight Day (Stare at flashlight, celebrate blindly)
December 22nd is…Date Nut Bread Day (Take Nut bread on date, celebrate)
December 23rd is…Roots Day (Watch marathon on TBS, celebrate)
December 24th is…Egg Nog Day (Drink nog, celebrate)
December 25th is…Pumpkin Pie Day (Looks great under the tree)
December 26th is…Whiners Day (“But I wanted the bigger iPhone!”)
December 27th is…Fruitcake Day (Throw fruitcake away, celebrate)
December 28th is…Card Playing Day (Play Texas Hold’em, celebrate if win)
December 29th is…Pepper Pot Day (Smell pepper, sneeze, celebrate, repeat)
December 30th is…Bicarbonate of Soda Day (Find old person, ask what this is)
December 31st is…Unlucky Day (Stay at home, recover from the month)

Until next time!

-Brian Suskind

Anyway, to help you out, I’ve compiled a helpful list of do’s and don’ts that will (hopefully) keep the injuries down this birthday season.

With that in mind….

There we go. Hopefully these tips will help you plan a healthy, happy birthday party for your kids.
Until next time!
-Brian Suskind

Welcome to my first Heritage Montessori blog. My name is Brian Suskind and I have two kids at Heritage right now, so right from the start let me say….I feel your pain.

The Heritage folks wanted me to write this blog so that you get a parent’s perspective on  all of the important information they felt you needed during the school year. In other words, they wanted me to nag you instead of them.

Today’s topic is….How to get the most from this school year.

Since we are not allowed to sell our kids on the black market, I suspect that the “most” they are talking about is probably not money.


Teachers are friends not food:

To steal a line from Finding Nemo, “Teachers are friends, not food”. I am really hoping that none of you were really considering making a meal out of one of the teachers. Society, in general, takes a dim view on cannibalism, even if it involves teachers. Also, they probably taste terrible.

Teachers are on our side. You can trust them. Really.

I know that each of us has the firm belief that our own children are the most brilliant creatures ever to be produced on this planet. Nevertheless, if your kid’s teacher contacts you about a problem, remember they aren’t just making things up because they feel you or your kid needs to be taken down a peg. They are actually trying to work with you to help your kids succeed.

Additionally, just because your kid is a perfect angel at home, who always cleans her room, feeds the dog, eats any and all green vegetables and never complains about bedtime, doesn’t mean that she is the same way at school. If one of the teachers reports a particular behavior, don’t just say, “Well, little Gertie never pours glue on people’s hair at home!” Things at home and things at school are very different, mostly because our wonderful bundles of joy behave differently when forced to follow rules, are around their friends, or are out of earshot of their loving, attentive parents. Work with the teachers to find a solution and address any behavioral concerns at home. That way, little Gertie’s gluing obsession won’t spread to the other kids in the class.

Schools and Teachers like Routines:

For whatever reason, Heritage really wants us to have regular routines each night. Now I am sure there are lots of clinically proven benefits to having our kids pack their backpacks each night, go to bed at an early and regular hour, keep the whole house clean and organized, and do their homework themselves without our help. It probably makes it so that our kids will thrive and succeed, but let’s face it, no one is watching you at home, so if you slack off, no one will know….until your kid falls hopelessly behind. Then everyone will know. So….no pressure.

What to do if you have Concerns:

Parents like us must have a lot of trouble bringing up concerns because Heritage really wanted me to address this issue. They especially wanted me to emphasize what typically happens when parents have concerns vs. what should happen. But, since they didn’t give me any specifics, I’ll just make something up.

Both Mr. Red and Mr. Blue are each upset that their precious little girls, Jojo Red and Gigi Blue, didn’t get the part of the sunflower in the spring talent show.

The moral of this story: Don’t be Mr. Red, unless you enjoy handcuffs and strip-searches.

Well, I think I’ve nagged you enough for one blog entry. I’m hoping that the next article will be a bit more coherent and, dare I say, informative.

Until then.

-Brian Suskind

If your child dreads the idea of going to school, cries, throws tantrums, seems depressed or physically ill, he or she may be experiencing separation anxiety and you the parent could be root of the problem as well as the solution. Separation anxiety is defined as a debilitating attachment between parent and child that renders the child unable to cope without the presence of his or her parent. It can also work in reverse where the parent is suffering from a debilitating inability to separate from the child.

Many educators have seen separation anxiety in parents as well children and we know that mom and dad are the source and solution.

Parents are often surprised to learn that separation anxiety can strike at any point during the school year, regardless of whether a child experienced a smooth start. Parents should understand that separation anxiety can happen at various points during your child’s education. Separation anxiety can occur after any break in a child’s regular routine. For instance, after the child has been sick for several days and at home nurtured by mom, or after a holiday break or vacation. Some children experience these emotions at the end of the school year because they feel sad about leaving their friends.

Sometimes parents unwittingly foster separation anxiety by thinking of their child as an extension of themselves. There are some parents who are wonderful when the child is an infant because he is very dependent. When the child moves out into the world, the parent has a difficult time sharing the child with the world. These parents often fear being abandoned by their children.

What Spells a Successful Start to the School Year?

The start of school is an emotional experience that requires more than logistical planning. Don’t wait until the night before school starts to make it part of your child’s thought process or address your child’s concerns. Preparing your child for a successful transition from home to school is a process that requires your time, energy and attention. We encourage parents to practice being apart from their child with opportunities such as play dates in other homes, Mom and Dad date night, etc. Gradually, leave the child for a half hour then progress to an hour. If a child is secure that mommy is coming back, they’ll be fine. If a child is crying because they are afraid mommy is not coming back, it’s from a negative experience they’ve had that needs to be addressed.

If your child expresses concern or feels nervous about the first day of school, there are several ways to help your child get used to the idea. To find out how your child feels about going to school, you can role-play. As the parent, play the part of the teacher and ask your child ‘What do you think will happen when you are in school?’ then exchange roles and let your child take the lead as the teacher. It’s important to allow the child to direct the role playing so you see what he is thinking and can correct misconceptions. Have the child draw pictures of how he or she envisions school. Set up school in the house and play school with homework, books and recess.

Because children pick up on the emotional cues of parents, it’s important as the parent, to get excited about the first day of school. A nervous parent can project these feelings onto his or her child making the transition or return to school a negative experience. The best advice we can give families is to prepare their child for the first day with enthusiasm. Even if you are nervous about the impending event, reassure your child that he or she will be happy at school and that other children share your child’s feelings of apprehension. Communicate to your child that it’s OK to be apart from you and back it up with the correct body language (your eyes can give you away).

School visits and orientations are effective ways to familiarize your child with the idea of going to school, alleviate his or her concerns and get him excited about school. Prepare the child by walking him through his day. Tour the classroom, meet the teachers, learn where the bathroom is located, where students put their lunches etc. Also practice with your child saying his teacher’s names. Establishing a relationship with the child’s teacher helps ease a parent’s anxiety and communicates to the child that the teacher is someone he can feel safe and at ease with away from home. If the parent likes the teacher, often these positive feelings are reflected in the child’s relationship too.

Make back to school an event. Shop for school supplies and uniforms together. Above all, encourage your child that he or she will be fine without you and that school will be fun.

When the first day of school arrives, if your child is uneasy about being apart from you, we suggest sending your picture or some personal item of yours, so your child feels as if you are with them and feels secure. Send love notes in his or her lunch box and pictures of the family. Smile with encouraging words as you drop off your child and reassure him. Don’t linger peeking through the windows, your child will sense your anxiousness. Just as soon as your child gets settled in, seeing you peer in the window can start her crying again. Parents should be loving but decisive about leaving their child at school. If your child is having difficulty with you leaving, tell her you love her but walk away if the teacher needs to assist her into the classroom.

A positive start to the day also affects your child’s attitude towards school. It’s important to establish a happy, peaceful morning routine that isn’t stressful for the parent and child. Play peaceful music in the car, turn off your cell phone…completely focus on the children during your morning routine so your child doesn’t need inappropriate attention, which can be misread as being nervous about school.

If your child is unhappy at school or having difficulty with the experience of being apart from you, don’t dwell on those feelings or overreact. Encourage her by saying “I know at school you are happy and safe. Don’t pressure your child to make friends but rather ask her what was fun about school. Never, never cry when you drop off your child. Even if your child is excited about school, your reactions will turn it into a negative experience.

How Do Teachers Help?

But for all the preparation at home, teachers also play an important role in making the transition from home to school a pleasant experience. HMS staff create a warm and friendly atmosphere for the children by playing name games, singing familiar songs, reading stories that reflect the theme of the first day of school or a story about how much mom loves them. Encouraging playground game help to create friendships and a sense of community for the children, which is very important to the transition process.

Regardless of whether the child is a Kindergartner or older elementary age student, the focus of the first school day should be on the emotional and social development of the children as individuals in a community of friends and learners.

The Source and Solution of Separation Anxiety:

One of the parenting challenges in today’s world is the ability to strike a balance between protecting your child from harm’s way without being overprotective. It’s hard to ignore headlines of crimes involving children but parents who dwell on these things unconsciously transfer that anxiety to their own children. Some parents behave in such a way that says to the child, ‘You need me to be safe in the world”. Smart parenting means keeping your child safe without making the child feel he or she is unsafe without you. For example, if you’re concerned about your child spending the night away from home, ask your child to invite the friend for a sleepover instead without saying ‘ You can’t sleep over because I’ll worry about your safety’,

Constant messages of fear can have serious effects on a child’s development. Children may suffer from feelings of inadequacy, phobias or depression because of an intense attachment to the parent.

By not letting your child go on school trips or down the block to visit friends your are giving him the message that the that the world is not safe without you. As your child gets older, he begin to have feelings of inadequacy.

It’s important to help your child develop a sense of independence and self-confidence. Empower children by giving them choices and letting them make some decisions. Parents who don’t do this are saying to the child ‘Mommy needs to be there and you can’t get along without her.’ You have to give children a sense of empowerment so that they are capable of making choices. If a child is incapable of making choices how can he or she leave your side?

For Kindergartners, that first day of school marks a proud advance towards independence and entry into the big kids world while older students are simply excited to return to school and reunite with old friends. It’s typical for children to be anxious those first few days. But if you make school a part of your child’s thought process in advance, talk with your child about his or her feelings and concerns, and familiarize him with the new teacher and classmates, those Back to School jitters are soon forgotten.

Back to School Do’s and Don’ts

Don’t
• Support your child’s anxious feelings.
• Talk to her teacher about her feelings.
• Pressure her to make friends. Instead ask her what was fun about school.
• Dwell on your child’s negative feelings or over react.
• Cry when you drop off the child.
• Linger and peek into the classroom windows.

Do
• Smile and reassure your child when you take her to school.
• Walk away if the teacher needs to assist her into the classroom.
• Send love notes in her lunch box and pictures of her family.
• Get to know the teacher.
• Set up a conference with the teacher and follow her advice.
• Establish a peaceful, happy morning routine.

Tips for Making School Part of the Thought Process:
• Role play school with your child.
• Read books about school.
• Visit the school, attend orientation and meet the teacher.
• Shop together for Back to School clothes and supplies.
• Empower your child with choices to learn independence.